Life is harder than you think and easier than you think.
We can try to change our thoughts completely, and sometimes we will succeed, but (negative) thoughts will keep coming into our lives. Thoughts tend to keep pushing themselves.
Instead of trying to change them (and thus fighting them), we can learn how to deal with them. Learn to observe them 'from a distance' and then calmly determine how we want to deal with these thoughts.
Happy, happy, happy?
Not so long ago, the Corona virus caused a lot of fear, uncertainty and negative thoughts. People who suddenly lose their job or income or are confronted with illness (of family or friends).
Not only Corona, but also other circumstances can cause fear, uncertainty and negative thoughts to make our lives less pleasant. Due to these circumstances, we are often flooded with all kinds of thoughts and resulting emotions or feelings. Often with the idea that we have no control over this or can do something about it.
“You have to stay positive, try to enjoy life, we don’t have it that bad.” You probably know them, those well-meaning pieces of advice that are so incredibly difficult to follow. Yes, I am also guilty of handing them out, to others and to myself. In any case, there is a tendency these days that we all ‘have to’ be very happy. Are you not? Then that is of course entirely your own fault! Right?
Unfortunately, our lives do not only consist of 'happy' moments and negative thoughts, fear and uncertainty will always be there. And no, that is not your fault. But it would be nice if we could learn to deal with this in such a way that you can ensure that they do not unnecessarily make your life 'unhappy'. Shall we try to allow them, to let them be there and then look at them with a 'critical' eye?
How do I distance myself from my thoughts?
We often tend to fight our thoughts, stop them or argue with them. This usually makes the thoughts stronger. If we do not succeed in 'taming' them, we also get frustrated or feel like we are failing. This makes us think even more negatively and we get stuck in a vicious circle.
So fighting thoughts has little effect.
While we are on the subject of 'fighting': In various martial arts disciplines you can see this mechanism coming back nicely. Instead of launching the counterattack and fighting back, you work with moving along with the movement of your opponent. This costs you less energy and you are much more aware of what the other is doing.
In this way you could also look at your thoughts. They are there, observe them and then determine from there what reaction you want to give to them. So don't try to resist like crazy, but go with the flow.
It's the truth!
When you look at your thoughts with a certain distance, you can examine them more closely. Are your thoughts actually true?
Our brain barely distinguishes between fantasy and reality. This is very evident in children. As we grow up, we can make a better distinction, but our brain itself barely makes this distinction. Both information about our reality and about fantasy consists of thoughts. Imagine that you are eating your favorite food. Is your mouth watering yet?
Once you become aware that there is a difference between fact and a thought about it, you actually create space to look at the thought a little closer. But there are more ways to look at your thoughts with a little more distance.
Tips for learning to distance yourself from your thoughts:
• Imagine that the stream of thoughts is someone else, a separate person who is addressing you. If necessary, give this person an appropriate name: 'whiner', 'precise', 'scared-of', 'insecure Olga'. Make sure that the name does not carry emotional charge, so do not just take the name of an acquaintance.
• Take a large sheet of paper and write down your most common thoughts. As an example, here are the 10 most common thoughts:
1. I have to do it right.
2. I must always be cheerful
3. I should be happier.
4. I must not disappoint others.
5. People are selfish.
6. The effort I make is not appreciated.
7. I am inferior.
8. My best self is not good enough.
9. If you were born a dime, you will never be a quarter.
10. There is something wrong with me and others see it.
Do you recognize any of these thoughts in yourself? Or thoughts that resemble these? I can at least put a checkmark next to almost every thought. And do you know what the worst thing is? You can't say that any of these thoughts are a fact. No, really not!
What should I do with it?
Well, there you are. With your thoughts. You can distance yourself, you realize that it is not the truth, but they are still there and they influence your feelings. The urge to fight them again is great, because yes 'I have to be happy and cheerful'?
What's next? I understand the power of thoughts and also that if I start thinking differently I will also start feeling differently. Am I fighting? 'Am I doing it right?' ... check my next blog!
Collin Plasschaert
Enforce Master Trainer
collin@enforce.nl
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