Many people I work with are always there for others, but rarely if ever for themselves. It's always the first; mother, father, kids, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, colleague, resident, client or patient who needs care and attention. There is nothing wrong with that in itself, but there is if it is always at your expense.
You can choose to choose yourself first in all kinds of ways, but now I'm talking about taking good care of yourself. That is something you will have to do yourself, because someone else cannot do that for you.
But how do you do that, take care of yourself?
Because people are so busy fulfilling other people's needs, they often have no idea what they really want. In order to choose your own needs, you have to consider what you really want deep down. So I'm talking about wanting, not having to. Because having to do it can feel like an obligation or that you want to please someone else. Helping others selflessly is only possible if you feel good about yourself and this is only possible if your own needs are also met. Balance is needed.
Too often people are exhausted because they have crossed the line, which results in physical complaints. At some point your body indicates this: 'this far and no further'. You don't sleep well, you wake up tired and you get stuck in a downward spiral that you can't easily get out of until your internal battery is almost empty. This internal battery never gets charged, but you still manage to put yourself second every time. Because 'oh woe if you ever choose yourself'... Then comes the point where you actually don't even know what you want anymore.
Do you recognize yourself in this? Then here's the next challenge to learn to choose for yourself again:
Consider what you have done today for what you really want and what you have done for the expectations of someone else. Then ask yourself whether this was actually said that way by the other person, or whether you came up with it yourself. With this self-imposed obligation, we can be very busy. Being there for others is often also the easy way, an (unconscious) escape route. This way you avoid the confrontation about thinking about what you really want. This is what we often describe as the reptilian brain, always going back to the safest route.
So you must have the balls to be able to choose for yourself, where you must be willing to examine yourself, reflect yourself and finally accept yourself as you are.
You think; If I choose myself, I am doing the other person a disservice.
Thinking that by choosing yourself you are doing someone else a disservice is exactly why many do not dare to choose for themselves. You then take 'more' and the other person automatically gets 'less'. That is what you think. It's not true. The feeling of guilt and shame that imposes itself on you is in the negative energy. And 9 times out of 10, you are the one who creates the feeling of guilt or shame. Not the other one.
Make the choice for yourself before it's too late.
You want to avoid choosing yourself only when the battery is already empty. Check whether your approach gives you energy, or whether it just costs energy. This can be done on all kinds of layers:
• Your current job/career
• Your relationship with your partner or someone else in your life
• Your physical
There are signs you should pay attention to:
• You experience physical complaints (your body has been sending out signals for a long time, but you have always ignored them).
• From time to time you are ill or you occasionally fall ill for a long period of time. You take days off, but your battery no longer recharges during that rest period.
• You increasingly find yourself in arguments and conflicts, at home or at work.
• You can develop depression or even burnout because you are always there for someone else and never for yourself.
• You don't dare say no if your agenda is actually empty and there are other demands on you.
Staying close to yourself means taking yourself seriously.
When you look at someone else who you think chooses for themselves, or takes good care of themselves, do you find them selfish or do you admire that behavior? In order to choose for yourself you must be able to make choices. Choose what you really want and go for it. It is incredibly powerful if you dare and do it. Not at all selfish as some people sometimes think. As long as there is a healthy balance where you take care of yourself and can be there for others. Because truly being there for others is only possible if you take good care of yourself.
Do things that give you energy and/or do things that you are good at. Choose the right people around you who give you energy and see how you can contribute to them in a positive way. This way you will automatically feel good about yourself again and you will have the energy to:
1. take good care of yourself
2. to really be there for someone else.
Then you will be that great father/mother, colleague, entrepreneur or partner that you want to be.
Remy Jean Le
Enforce Master Trainer
remyjean@enforce.nl
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